New Names
by Expendable Red Shirt
Summary: '"No, we can't be the 'Gaga Five,' Kurt," Rachel snapped. "Alliteration is key, people!"' In which the original five members of the New Directions try and fail to pick a name that doesn't sound like a porn site, and Artie is a troll. One-shot


**A/N: **You know, I really should be working on the next update for my prompt fic Little Wonders, but... my mind wanders. This was born out of a strange conversation with my friend on the importance of alliteration in team names (she's my personal Rachel Berry, I'm telling you). Not beta'd. Any and all errors are mine.

**EDIT: **Okay, I edited the fuck out of this thing. So. Many. Errors!

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><p>New Directions.<p>

It was a terrible name. There was a particularly obvious way it could be misconstrued, and the five members of the Glee club had all discovered that after saying the name out loud only once. The name 'Homo Explosion' was already beginning to catch on with McKinley's jock population. If they ever got around to actually learning the club's name, the jokes would be endless.

Which was why Rachel Barbra Berry had taken the initiative to call the five members of the Glee club to an Unofficial Renaming Meeting. 'Unofficial' because Mr. Schuester was unaware of their problems with the club name, and was not going to be represented at their meeting.

"Welcome, Glee clubbers," Rachel greeted the four misfits in that ever-enthusiastic way of hers, "to the first Unofficial Renaming Meeting of the New Directions." The club members collectively groaned at the name. "Now, the idea of this meeting is to brainstorm new name ideas that are not quite so… easy to twist into inappropriate terms."

"Look, Rachel," Mercedes spoke up from her seat next to Kurt, "I get what you're trying to accomplish here, and I'm totally with you on changing the name, but what good is this meeting gonna be if Mr. Schue ain't here?"

Kurt raised an eyebrow as he began filing his nails. "I had the same question. After all, he is the one who chose the name in the first place – God knows why, but he did – so I'd assume we'd need his permission to change it."

Rachel sighed – really, it was so difficult dealing with inferior students daily, but she'd have to put up with it for now. It would be good practice when she was on Broadway and was working with annoying castmates and crew members. So she put on her best stage smile and answered their questions calmly in the way only a talented actress such as herself could. "It's simple. At this meeting, we come up with and agree on a new name, that is so amazing and perfect that Mr. Schuester can't turn it down!"

Artie half-raised his hand. "And what if he… does turn it down?" he asked, glancing nervously around the room and voice getting quieter with each word under the stern stare of Rachel Berry. Tina patted him on the arm in silent support.

Rachel lifted her chin defiantly. "If he doesn't like the new name, then he will just have to get used to it. It will be all of us against one man, and he wouldn't turn away the people making his club great." Kurt scoffed derisively at her description of the Glee club as "great." They were far from great, and Rachel knew it as well as every other person in the choir room. But she was confident they could improve (as she herself had no need for improvement), especially with the added confidence boost of a club name that couldn't double as the name of a seedy gay bar.

"Any further questions?" She glanced around the choir room, and the others stayed quiet. "Great! Now let's get started." She uncapped a Black Expo marker and poised herself in front of the white board, wearing Patented Rachel Berry Smile Number 17: Game Show Hostess. "Ideally, we want the name to have alliteration. That always makes names more catchy, and the catchier a name is, the more memorable it is. Does anyone have any suggestions?" Of course, she had several suggestions of her own, but she figured giving the other a chance to input their own ideas first would generate positive feelings of inclusion and boost club morale.

It was quiet for one long minute, the four sitting club members exchanging glances and Rachel still standing and smiling in front of the white board (she had excellent smile endurance; practice makes perfect). Finally, Kurt spoke up, "What about the Fabulous Five?"

"I like it!" Rachel said, writing it down on the board. Artie frowned but didn't protest. "Any others?"

"The Fashionable Five?" Mercedes suggested.

"I might normally agree with that," Kurt replied, "but with Rachel in our group, I don't think it fits."

"Hey!" Rachel tugged at the hem of her cotton-candy-pink kitten sweater self-consciously. "My grandma knitted this for me!"

"Then do what I do with all my family-made clothes. Unravel them and use the yarn to make something that someone over five years old can actually step out of the house in."

Rachel pursed her lips, but chose not to reply. She was above pointless arguments and petty insults, anyway. "Well I was thinking something along the lines of the Fascinating Five!" she announced, and even added spirit fingers for a bit of pizzazz. To her disappointment, the other teens did not look properly dazzled by the name suggestion. Oh well, she had several others in mind!

"Oh, I know!" Kurt said suddenly. "The Feathered Five! I have a million and one ideas for group outfits. Feathers are totally coming back in this season."

"Um, I'm not down with that," Artie said.

Kurt was about to respond, but Rachel, knowing an oncoming explosion when she saw one, swooped in like Kurt's fairy godmother. "Kurt, while that is a great suggestion, and I'll take your word on the feather thing, what about this time next year, if feathers are back out?" she pointed out. "What will we do then? We'll have an out of season name."

Kurt looked horrified at the very thought and quickly took back his suggestion.

"What about the Fantastic Five?" Artie suggested.

Rachel was about to congratulate Artie for a great suggestion when Kurt scrunched up his nose in distaste. "That sounds much too much like the Fantastic Four," Kurt complained.

"That's the idea, yo."

Kurt shot him a disapproving glare. "People already think we're nerdy enough. Do we really want them thinking we named ourselves after some comic book heroes?"

Hmm, he had a point. Rachel decided to not write the name on the board.

Tina tried next. "W-what about the F-f-f-f–"

"Well get it out already!" Rachel snapped. "Concise deliverance is key if you ever want to make it in show business!"

Tina snapped her mouth shut and shook her head quickly. "Never mind," she squeaked.

"How about the Fantabulous Five?" Mercedes said.

Kurt cocked his head and raised one eyebrow at his best friend. "Ok, that's too gay, even for me."

Now Rachel decided to pull out her next suggestion. "What about the Famous Five?"

She was, of course, shot down immediately. "That sounds like a fast food drive-thru order," Kurt snarked.

Rachel crossed her arms over her small chest and glared at her rival diva. "Oh? And I suppose you have something better?"

"I-I have one," Tina volunteered. At Rachel's urging stare, she quickly said, "The F-Fierce Five."

Kurt perked up in his seat and clapped his hands excitedly. "Ooh, I like that one!" Rachel nodded thoughtfully. She could definitely see that as a contender.

"Um, I'm not comfortable with that," Artie said.

Kurt whipped his head around to glare across Mercedes at the bespeckled boy. "And why not?" he demanded. "It's the perfect name!"

"Yeah, for an all-girls group." At Kurt's sharpening glare, Artie quickly amended, "Okay, perfect for an all-girls-plus-Kurt-Hummel group."

Mercedes pouted. "Spoilsport."

The name did not go up on the board.

"What about the Fearsome Five?" Artie suggested.

"Again, that sounds like the name of a superhero team and may I remind you yet again that _we are not in a comic book_!"

"The Forceful Five?"

"That still might as well be an alternate name for the Justice League."

"The original Justice League had seven members."

"Oh shut up!"

"The Feature Five!" Rachel tried to cut in, but that only seemed to give Artie another idea.

"The Future Five!" he called out.

"Not a comic book!" Kurt yelled.

"The Fellowship of Five." Okay, now even Rachel was sure Artie was just naming these to piss Kurt off.

"We. Are. Not. In. A. _Comic book_!"

"What about the Fetching Five?" Rachel suggested with an air of elegance to her, desperate to change the topic before this got ugly.

Mercedes was shaking her head almost before Rachel finished her sentence. "Nuh-uh. If we're going that route, it needs to be something like the Fine Five or the Foxy Five." She and Kurt wiggled their fingers together then pushed back their bangs in a small gesture that was commonplace for them.

Artie saw the gesture and said loudly, "I think the Flamboyant Five fits just as well." He was ignored.

Kurt gasped. "What about the Gaga Five?" he suggested excitedly.

"No, we can't be the Gaga Five, Kurt," Rachel refused immediately. "Alliteration is key!" Kurt pouted and Mercedes assured him it was a great name anyway.

"The Federal Five?" Artie said. Everyone shot him question looks, and the boy shrugged. "If the jocks think we got an in with the Feds, maybe they won't slushie us anymore." The looks on the Glee clubbers' faces morphed to contemplative. Really, it wasn't such a terrible idea…

The name went up on the board.

Tina was the next to speak. "W-what about the F-Faulty Five?"

"Don't talk about our club that way!" Rachel scolded defensively.

"What's wrong with telling the truth?" Mercedes asks. "We've all got faults. It's why we came together in the first place. I think it's perfect."

It was clear the others agreed, so Rachel sighed and wrote the name on the board right under Federal Five.

"The Fat Five?" Artie joked.

Mercedes went red in the face. "I swear to God, Cripples, if that is a crack on my weight, Imma–"

"Then we'd have to be the Curvy, Voluptuous Five, 'Cedes," Kurt said sweetly, poking his best friend in the side. "Or the Gorgeous Five."

"Aww, Kurt," Mercedes cooed, giggling and pinching her friend's cheek. "You are too sweet."

"Alliteration, people! Alliteration!" Rachel repeated, lest they think Kurt's previous suggestions were actually contenders.

"The Fucking Five?" Artie spoke up. It was clear at this point that he'd given up on trying to find an actual name and was just trying to get some enjoyment out of this meeting.

"No crude language!" Rachel protested immediately.

The glasses-wearing boy gave her a shit-eating grin. "What? It has alliteration."

"It's also a name would never be allowed by Figgins," Kurt pointed out. "And you know Coach Sylvester is just waiting for any reason to shut down the club."

"Aren't we trying to _avoid_ making a sex joke out of our name?" Mercedes asked.

"The Fornicating Five!" Artie yelled.

Rachel's mouth dropped open. "Artie!"

"The Fetish Five!"

"Boy, you better shut you mouth before I stick a sock in it!" Mercedes threatened.

"BDSM, see! Totally a fetish. The name already fits!"

"We are _not_ going to be the Fetish Five," Rachel affirmed.

"The Facial Five!"

"Oh, I like that one," Kurt said approvingly. When he noticed the strange looks the girls were giving him, and the way Artie was snickering behind his hand, he knew something was up. "Okay, what am I missing here?"

Mercedes took the liberty of whispering an explanation in Kurt's ear, and the others watched as his eyes widened and he became visibly pale, then bright red.

"Artie!" he screeched.

Artie put his hands up in a peaceful gesture. "Hey, I never specified it was _that_ kind of facial, bro," he said in defense of himself, even as he was laughing. "That's all on the girls' dirty minds right there."

Rachel placed her hands on her hips, lips pursed in disapproval. Behavior like this was why she knew she was abover her peers, both in terms of talent and maturity. '_Just close your eyes and think of Broadway_,' she soothed herself with her usual relaxing reminder.

"The Flavor Five?" Mercedes offered.

Artie, of course, had to cut in with his own proposal. "The Fruity Five!"

"Hey!" Kurt protested.

"The Feminine Five."

"Artie, you better–"

"The Fa–"

"Arthur Abrams, if you finish that sentence with what I think you are going to finish that sentence with, I _swear_ _to_ _god_ I will take this nail file and I will use it to castrate you. _This_ nail file!" He held up the nail file for emphasis, his eyes flashing angrily and deadly serious.

"F-fancy Five," Artie stuttered. "I was just gonna say Fancy Five."

Kurt gave a small 'hmph' and went back to filing his nails with a renewed passion.

The room was quiet for a minute, and Rachel was the one to break the silence. "What about the Funky Five?"

"We can't do that," Mercedes refused.

Rachel cocked her hip. "And why can't we?"

"Because this club is one-fifth Asian, and three-fifths white. If it weren't for me, we'd have no funk."

Rachel exhaled heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine. What about the Fun Five?"

"Can you say bo-ring?" Kurt replied without even looking up from his nails. "What are we, kindergarteners?"

Rachel gritted her teeth but forged on. "Okay, fair enough. What about the First-Rate Five?"

Kurt didn't even reward that with a sarcastic remark, just a flat and final "No."

"Well you haven't contributed a suggestion in a while Kurt," she pointed out, voice strained. "Let us hear what you have."

"What about the Fathomless Five?" he proposed. "Because we're too deep and complicated for those shallow jocks to fathom."

Mercedes was not a fan of the idea. "No way, white boy. That sounds like the name for some emo-poetry club."

He bit his lip. "Fair point. I retract my suggestion."

"The Filipino Five," Artie suggested randomly.

"None of us are Filipino!" Rachel yelled, throwing her hands up.

Artie shrugged. "Just thought I'd throw it out there." It was quiet for a tense thirty seconds, then Artie said, "The Finnish Five?"

"Artie!"

"Th-the Feuding Five?" Tina suggested timidly.

"It certainly fits at the moment." In fact, it fit so well Rachel could barely talk herself out of adding it to the short list on the board.

"What about the Flammable Five?" Artie offered. He seemed to think this was a legitimate suggestion.

Kurt was having none of it. "One, that's one of the stupidest names for a Glee club that I've ever heard. Two, do you really want to give the jocks any ideas about setting us on fire?"

"No, man, but c'mon, think about it. We–"

"I'm _thinking_ about ruined clothes and third degree burns!"

"Why would you mention the ruined clothes before the burns?"

"Do you know how much these clothes _cost_?"

"Not more than all the medical bills you would be getting!"

"So you agree that letting the jocks think of us and flaming in the same sentence is a bad idea?"

"Oh, I can think of someone who's already flaming."

"Why I never! You terrible son of a…"

And so it continued. Eventually everyone joined in on the fight, and the meeting delved into chaos. When William Schuester entered the room thirty minutes later to start the third official Glee club rehearsal, he found a terrible scene: chairs were scattered across the room flipped onto their backs and sides, and one had somehow managed to land on to of the piano. Sheet music was everywhere, and the instruments had spilled out of the locked metal closet they were kept in. The electric guitar had a broken neck. The piano bench was on the top level of the risers. The contents of the students backpacks were strewn around the room. One of the small windows was shattered.

Rachel's knit sweater was halfway unraveled, and Mercedes' arms seemed to be tied up with the pink yarn, but from what Mr. Schue could see, she still had the advantage in her and Rachel's wrestling match. It gave new meaning to the term "I could take you with one hand tied behind my back." Artie's wheelchair was tipped over and across the room from where the boy had Kurt pinned to the floor. Mr. Schuester briefly found the space in his mind to wonder where Tina was when something sharp hit the side of his head. It was then that he noticed the quiet Asian girl, crouched behind the overturned piano bench with a handful of sharpened pencils. All the kids had the crazed looks of ravenous animals in their eyes.

Now, Mr. Schuester knew it was his responsibility as a teacher to sort this all out, but… those teens looked bloodthirsty. It would have taken a man braver than him to intrude on them. And they looked like they were sorting this all out on their own perfectly fine without any help form him, so… He slowly backed out of the choir room, closed the door, then turned on his heel and ran.

And that is how a small group of teen's inability to get along for twenty minutes without supervision led to the New Directions staying the New Directions, and to many pun-oriented, pornographic drawings on the bathroom walls.

END

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><p><strong>AN: **Thanks for reading! Oh, my birthday's coming up soon. I can't wait! Sweet 16, bitches ;).


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